🚨 HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT 🚨 Many people are saying this is the greatest upgrade to the White House since electricity. We are officially converting the South Lawn into the WORLD'S PREMIER UFC ARENA. That's right. No more boring state dinners. No more endless meetings. America wants ACTION. The fake news media said it couldn't be done. They were wrong, as usual. Construction crews are already building a beautiful octagon, probably the most beautiful octagon ever built. Dana loves it. The fans love it. The Secret Service is learning takedown defense. Every world leader who visits Washington will now be required to make a ceremonial walk to the cage. Ratings are expected to be TREMENDOUS. MAKE AMERICA FIGHT AGAIN!
🔥 THE MAIN EVENT 🔥 Following my VERY SUCCESSFUL trip to Asia, where I learned from the best sumo champions (they all said I have incredible balance), I am proud to announce the first-ever White House Octagon Sumo Spectacular. My opponent? Benjamin Netanyahu. That's right. Bibi and I have agreed to settle at least some international disagreements the old-fashioned way: by attempting to push each other out of a giant circle while wearing ceremonial sumo gear. The bookmakers are confused. The diplomats are terrified. The ratings will be HISTORIC. Fight card includes: • Opening ceremony by the Marine Band • National anthems • Twelve minutes of intense negotiations over the rules • One dramatic stare-down • Several strongly worded press releases Winner receives the Golden Belt of Freedom and unlimited bragging rights. PAY-PER-VIEW. PRIME TIME. NO REFUNDS. BE THERE! These are purely fictional satire and not based on any real event.
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