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🚨 HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT 🚨 Many people are saying this is the greatest upgrade to the White House since electricity. We are officially converting the South Lawn into the WORLD'S PREMIER UFC ARENA. That's right. No more boring state dinners. No more endless meetings. America wants ACTION. The fake news media said it couldn't be done. They were wrong, as usual. Construction crews are already building a beautiful octagon, probably the most beautiful octagon ever built. Dana loves it. The fans love it. The Secret Service is learning takedown defense. Every world leader who visits Washington will now be required to make a ceremonial walk to the cage. Ratings are expected to be TREMENDOUS. MAKE AMERICA FIGHT AGAIN! 🔥 THE MAIN EVENT 🔥 Following my VERY SUCCESSFUL trip to Asia, where I learned from the best sumo champions (they all said I have incredible balance), I am proud to announce the first-ever White House Octagon S...
PRESIDENT DECLARED 'MENTALLY UNDEFEATED' IN FOUR-MINUTE MEDICAL MARVEL THE VERY PRESTIGIOUS EXECUTIVE WELLNESS CENTER & STEAKHOUSE In a medical breakthrough that sources are calling "physically magnificent" and "the biggest thing since penicillin," President Donald Trump has been declared the single healthiest human ever to stand in proximity to the nuclear football, or possibly human history itself. The comprehensive medical evaluation, which exhausted nearly four consecutive minutes of elite medical scrutiny, confirmed that the President possesses "cardiovascularly tremendous" statistics and boasts "the best cholesterol anyone has ever seen." When questioned about his miraculous vitals, President Trump was concise. "Why would I waste energy exercising when I’m already winning?" he stated, cementing his status as a medical outlier. Diet of Champions The bulletin confirmed the President ...
FRONT PAGE EXCLUSIVE: AMMO AMNESIA! U.S. INVASION OF CUBA TRANSFORMS INTO BEACHSIDE PICNIC PARTY! Operation Flamingo Fiasco Catches Havana Entirely Off-Guard with 10,000 Cans of Baked Beans, Drone Deliveries, and Zero Bullets WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what is already being heralded as the most mind-bogglingly magnificent logistical oversight in modern military history, a daring United States amphibious assault on Cuba’s scenic Bay of Flamingos collapsed into an impromptu beachside barbecue yesterday after invading forces realized they had forgotten to pack a single round of live ammunition. Highly classified Pentagon sources reveal that the elite vanguard of fighters, explicitly selected from personnel completely untainted by previous foreign policy mishaps stood on the decks of their landing craft, ready to storm the shores with guns blazing and high-tech tactical drones buzzing overhead. Instead, they hit the tropical sand armed only with boundless Americ...